Rancho Relaxo
The fine art of white trashin', deep fryin', and slow smokin'
Rancho Relaxo The fine art of white trashin', deep fryin', and slow smokin'
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Spring Break '97
THIS PAPER MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO THOSE WHO ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH THE PADRE EXPERIENCE. THE VIEWS AND LANGUAGE USED BY THE AUTHOR ARE IN NO WAY CENSORED TO PLEASE THE POLITICALLY CORRECT. South Padre Island, TX. Act III. The Battle of Bridgepoint( The scene begins days after the 96’ expedition. The evil tyrant San Felipe de Matamoros still controls Bridgepoint and all who dare crossing the bridge into his world.) SCENE I Life as a Whataburger Employee: The Rebel Commander RevisitedNarration: At the end of Act II ‘Moshiri’s Revenge’, all was lost for our brave group of warriors. Rebel Commander Derrick Draper and the forces of stupidity were ambushed by Cuban tobacco farmers after falling prey to their flying billboard advertisment which read, ‘Free Skoal Stuff ... Tonight at Louie’s Backyard.’ Jay Abbatiello (aka The Godfather) traveled to England hoping to infiltrate ‘Her Majesty’s Secret Service’ in order to obtain secret documents to find the whereabouts of experienced freedom fighters Tom Schory (aka Emmanuelle) and "The One-Armed Man." After successfully communicating the information back to headquarters, all communications with Jay ended. Using information obtained from Jay, Park Ranger Peters organized the Omega Squadron to free the hostages. His team consisted of himself, Sir Gregory Tevis, Ron Jeremy, and Zurick of The Relaxed People. During the mission, disaster occured. The team was captured by the infamous San Felipe de Matamoros. The bearded-one smiled in the eyes of his prisoners as they were marched off to join Emmanuele and "The One-Armed Man." Only Peters escaped the hands of Felipe. Peters regrouped. SCENE II Advantages of being a Sick Person!Park Ranger Peters scrambled back to base. Peters, known for his rallying capabilities, was not so easily defeated as Felipe would have hoped. ‘Rally’ Peters then proceeded in master-minding the most feared strike force in history. He needed the best, so he started with the most experienced. The legendary work of McCloud & Picard Power Systems appeared first on his list. Duncan and Jean-Luc had been doing research and development on their prototypic Super Pursuit Versions of the Accord and Tahoe in Durango, CO. They however chose alcoholism as a more appropriate goal in life and were found playing guitars on 2nd Street. Zeus Alzarez was the next star to appear on the scene. He was dismissed from NYPD after repeated accusations of statutory rape. Although the accusations were true, the force knew it was just a conspiracy by local mafia to make the odds a little more even. Now we were going to use him to make the odds a little less even for San Felipe. Because Bridgepoint was surrounded by water, Nick decided that we could use some oceanographic data . . . (enter Jocques Costeau). Jocques had compiled extensive data files on the oceanographic features of Laguna Mar. He decided, however, that the bridge might be a more efficient way to cross the Lagoon; The team agreed. The next priority was hostage negotiations. Since no one else wanted the job, Nelson Mandela got it. Nelson had just completed a 1996 World Tour with White Zombie as their backup guitarist/vocalist. He was pleased with the ethics supported by long-time-hero Nick Peters and was willing to give a hand. We had specialist, but we needed brute force. The strength of the Incredible Hulk was considered adequate. The Hulk had been spending his time as an Anti-Abortion activist. He took this position because some Hippy didn’t believe him when he said, "You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry." The Hulk got angry. More atheletes ........ Chris "Bad-to-the" Boniol joined the team as an unrestricted free agent in mid-season to replace B. K. Junior after he ended his season with a groin injury. With the force aspect settled, Peters decided he wanted more Hippies in the team. With that in mind he searched the world for the best Hippies he could find. He found these guys. David Animal, the not-so-noted anthropologist, wanted to join the team to study the aspects of liminality in the Spring Break environment. He was planning on gathering data on the apparent phenomenon of girls losing sexual inhibitions during times of liminality. Bru-Ha-Ha was tired of the daily grind of being a religious icon on his small Polynesian island. He wanted some action. He wanted to somebody. He wanted to dance! So Bru-Ha-Ha will also double as our John Travolta look-a-like. To enhance the team a little more. Peters opened the phonebook, closed his eyes, and pointed. Ah-ha!.....Carl Petersen. He looks like he can help...............well.............you can drink can’t you. I hope so, because your the next contestant on "The Price is Right". Yes Carl, this trip is free. You only have to show up with beer money and a smile. Well, that’s it. If this team can not defeat San Felipe and rescue Schory, all hope is lost for the Island of Padre. The rest is up to the team! P.S. If "Bru-Ha-Ha" doesn’t go, he would have ruined a wonderful script! CHARACTERS :"THE PUKES" Tom Zaciewski as Circle K’s employee of the monthDavid Plant as Animal Eric Brune as the legendary Polynesian god "Bru-Ha-Ha" Jeff Robinson as the last of the Jedi Knights " Random People I Don’t Know !" Carl Petersen as El Guapo, everybody’s good friend.(aka "Random !") "Los Activos" Phil Ayres as Phil Ayres’ evil twin
brother, the Mexican Military Dictator , San Felipe de Matamoros. Cameron Carlile as Mario Andretti Chad Grout as Duncan McCloud of the Clan McCloud (aka "The Highlander") Glen Henbest as Henworst (aka "The Hostage Negotiator") D.J. O’Brien as Felipe’s estranged nephew De Jota aka "The Heterosexual") Chris Holleman as Police Lieutenant Zeus Alzarez (aka "Dirty Mexican") Nick Peters as Amigo De Muerto (aka "The Religious") WHEN: Friday Afternoon February 28, 1997 to Some other time a week later WHERE: 333 Padre Boulevard Padre Rules:(for the chemically imbalanced) 1. Do not cause any chemical or physical change to the condo’s atomic structure. "Beyond The Bull" Friday February 28, 1997 3:00pm - Meet at the house and have all your gear! There will be three vehicles going: The RETRO-Van, The SPV Tahoe, and the Lethargic Red Jeep (Depending on whether or not Grute finishes some business). 12:00midnight - Hopefully we will arrive in Marshall, Texas. I have a big-ole lodge out in the woods that provides free room-and board. Saturday March 1, 1997 11:00am - Breakfast at Mi Casa 1:00pm - Late - Fun stuff approved by the group. Sunday March 2, 1997 9:00am - We leave historic Marshall, Texas and head to South Padre Island, Texas. 8:00pm - Hopefully we will be at the condo sometime around this time. When we get there, we can take a quick nap and then go out. Don’t kid yourself, you’ll need a quick nap after that drive. Monday March 3, 1997 to Friday March 7, 1997 - I know I won’t remember what happens! Maybe you can tell me sometime. Saturday March 8, 1997 to Sunday March 9, 1997 - Same thing coming back! |
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