Rancho Relaxo

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A Final Update From the Front Lines 

One and a half weeks from now San Felipe de Matamoras and his rebel forces will clash with Choate Bergstrom’s regulators in the Pineywoods of east Texas.  There is no doubt, on either side, about the timing of this event.  Both groups have highly skilled intelligence personnel that have spent the last month (since Matamoras’ initial siege) gathering information.  Like two hall of fame football coaches, Bergstrom and Matamoras are spending their final days drawing up their strategy and plans for what may prove to be their final, and most monumental of battles. 

Matamoras has made significant gains in east Texas and is now entrenched in his forest lair.  He has surrounded himself with thousands of men and spends his days planning with his top generals.  He knows Bergstrom well and has no doubt that this old regulator will have some wily strategies up his sleeve. 

For his part, this past weekend, in Atlanta, Bergstrom met with Clark Snack and Lenox Bin Laden for the last time before the siege.  They met at a crowded Big Green Egg Barbecue Event to review the most up-to-date intelligence information. Clark's father, Monk Snack, can be seen in the adjoining photo sampling a variety of proposed rations for the mission. Clearly Bergstrom expects this to be a long, difficult siege and needs well-nourished fighters in order to prevail.  At the end of the meeting, Clark Snack was dispatched to Houston, where he will lead a northern attack on Matamoras’ forces along with long-time Bergstrom confidant, known locally as "The Polish Nightmare.”

While Bergstrom, Snack, and Bin Layen, focused their energies in Atlanta, Reed Wayne and Andy Eznutts flew to the Atlantic coast to train for battle.  Wayne and Eznutts are notorious for their stamina and longevity as it relates to the imbibing associated with battles – and their skill will be needed in order for a successful campaign.

This weekend, Bergstrom and Wayne will head to NashVegas to devise their final plans.  When they depart, only four days will separate them from the pending battle.  For years Bergstrom, Wayne, Grout and Park Ranger Peters waged intense and wildly successful battles against Matamoras’ forces in NashVegas.  With only Bergstrom and Wayne making the journey, they will head back to their old championship battlefield to meet with Peters.  Peters, although unable to make the trip due to his responsibilities against a new, unrelated uprising in Illinois, will consult with Bergstrom and Wayne as they finalize exit strategies. 

With the dangers that now surround these camps, this will be the final update regarding this decisive clash.  We will report after the dust settles and see who controls East Texas.  Who will be lost in the campaign?  Who will survive?  Will order be restored?  Will Matamoras’ forces continue their occupation?  These questions have no answers today, but Matamoras and his rebels wait for Bergstrom and his regulators. 

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