Rancho Relaxo

The fine art of white trashin', deep fryin', and slow smokin'

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It’s been pretty quiet in Marshall for the past year or so, after Choate Bergstrom and his regulators drove San Felipe de Matamoras and his bandoleers scurrying from the piney woods of east Texas.  As Don Gaines, longtime resident of Marshall puts it, his voice cracking and squeaking like a man who’s seen a thing or two, “Those dirty bastards didn’t stop to piss till they got to Juarez, they were so damn skeered.  (Then laughing) They got bent over so bad by Bergstrom’s bunch, they re-fertilized the whole of the town on their way out.” 

Yeah, Marshall’s got pretty well back to normal, but in the past few weeks, there’s something strange in the air, worse than the smell of Matamoras’ exit.  It’s in the animal population of the town.  As Gaines puts it, “It’s somethin’ with the damned livestock – they’re acting looney.”

So strange has been their behavior, that renowned Texas A&M agriculture and livestock scientist, Dr. Jorge Xcatla has been investigating the situation for the past several weeks.  Xcatla, a native of Guatemala, is known for his ability to communicate with animals on many levels, providing in-depth psychoanalysis on a variety of species in the animal kingdom.  Xcatla, who does not speak English as well as he does “animal”, emerged today from four weeks of study on the four-legged creatures inhabiting Marshall.

Standing in front of a myriad of television cameras and anxiously salivating reporters, Xcatla emerged from a local farm, which has served as his base, white as a sheet and dripping with sweat.  “Animals very scared, behave so strange I had hard time seeing what wrong.”  Eagerly, the reporters leaned as close as possible, tipping their microphones to pick up every word.  “The pigs scared for their lives.  They talk crazy talk.  Thinking back on some time ago when bad men took one of their brothers and did bad things to pig.” They skinned pig, they hide pig in freezer, they ritualistically carry pig and stand around pig in circle.  They hire Muslim man to say chant about pig and scare pig half to death.  This man is big with big beard and speaking different kind of talk, they no know what he say.” 

“And that just the pigs,” Xcatla continues.  “The bobcats out of their freakin’ mind, man.  I tell you, some can barely stand up at the thought of what happened to bobcat last year. Xcatla vomits.  Upon recovering, he continues, “deese men must be stopped.  Dee bobcats walk different; They so skeered I never see nothing like this I tell you.”

“Was it Matamoras and his henchmen who tortured these animals?” one reporter cries on the verge of her sanity. 

“No, this was the work of the gringo, of the white man.”

Nearly deranged at this point, eyes bulging, another reporter curses, “well, no self-respectin’ gringo in these parts would do that.  Must be the damned white trash.”

Xcatla silences the uproarious crowd.  “It was Bergstrom and his mens....”

All is silent for several minutes with everyone in a state of shock.  Finally, as the congregation disperses, a soft, whisper-muted voice can be heard: “Well, the upper ‘ekelon’ of white trash anyway.”

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