Rancho Relaxo

The fine art of white trashin', deep fryin', and slow smokin'

Please note that each member has an assignment in preparation for the trip. All receipts will be totaled-up and then split 14 ways (minus your expenditure), so bring some 20 spots to make this easier:

George Bush's war on terrorism continues overseas, but a smaller, longer-lived war still burns in the Pineywoods of East Texas. Each year brings new battles, new faces, and new foes. In reality, the difference between new and old becomes negligible, because the war remains the same. These men will continue to fight, year-in and year-out, because it is the fight itself, that now defines them.

A decade has passed since a handful of men charged onto the beach at South Padre Island to make their claim for freedom. Since the initial offensive, the war has bounced from beach-to-beach, from the mountains to the swamps, and finally to the Pineywoods of East Texas.

The 'oh-so-familiar' word has spread that Matamoras has returned to power. With a never-ending supply of fresh characters, he has rebuilt his army of mercenaries and sketchy gringos. To no one's surprise, East Texas has become his preferred playground for destruction.

In response, Choate Bergstrom has shifted all his logistics resources into modernizing and strengthening the home-base infrastructure. New roads and bridges have been laid out, additional acreage has been acquired, and facilities have been refurbished. All these changes have been implemented with the express purpose of matching Matamoras tit-for-tat.

In the dark recesses of the forest, Matamoras' "skunkworks" research team has developed an aggressive, aerial weapon, shaped in the form of a quail bird. The defenders of meathead living must neutralize this new weapon to ensure both ground and air superiority. Proper equipment will be supplied to control this impending threat.

Down south, Marcus Hungus has been hard at work increasing the number of Polish men, ready to defend our way of life, through reproduction. Both Marcus and Lenox have done a good job in this department over the past two years. They should be commended upon arrival to base camp.

This past year we nearly lost, not one, but two more heros to the life-threatening neurotoxin known as marriage. After consulting with doctors, it appears that most of these occurrences have not been fatal to the affected. So hopefully the crew will maintain numbers.

Outside of this, the men continue to hone their skills through each battle. Each experience has become an exercise in efficiency. Eventually, Matamoras must flinch, and our men will be there waiting.

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